there is such a thing as free lunch

haha

no matter what economics sayas..i still believe that there is such a thing as free lunch

ihave een invited on several occasions by my friends to go out clubbing or drinking (haha..well..if you have fiollowed this blog since day one, you would know that THAT is the only placer i go anyways..clubs and bars) this summer


i would go with minimal funds (since i am, after all, a worthless, work-less , fresh college graduate who is going back to school to study law) only to find out at the end of the day (or night) that the only thing i had to spend on was my own transportation. I mean..people have been inviting me, almost every week..no..not almost..EVERY week to go drinking with them..and in more than one occasuion, didnt have to spend much

and so i realized this: when you have planted the seeds of friendship, and when you have proved yourself to be finally worthy of something in their lives..people dont go all stingy on you

i mean..these people, like me, are also students, except for the doctor haha, and they feel comfortable and alright with sharing with me their blessings..i find that..very very sweet and heartwarming

of course i appreciate that i didnt need to spend some

but what i appreciated more was the fact that they were comfortable giving me to what they have

whatever
this post is emotional bullshit
:-)


my point is..ive been drinking a lot for free..and that is waaaaaaay cool

hApPiNeSS iS FouND In tHE LiTTle ThINgS

if you read my blog recently, you would have realized that i was depressed...

last night, however, my life took a sudden turn..

i was depressed last night, like most nights, as i was reading harry potter..

this was a book ive been reading for days and it has ceased to be ezxciting, until last night.
while i was reading the book, i kept on thinking of someone.haha.of course..i will not divulge who the person was.. i kept convincing myself that the person didnt deserve me and such

but it still held true that the thoughts this book brought me served me only to damper my mood..

and then something happened that has happened the past few weeks as well...

it started to rain..
and as i have, quite recently, acquired an dislike for the rain (for many purposes. for one it stopped me from going out at night, it hurt my scoliotic back and it just made me more depressed)... anyways..

something happened last night as i was smoking what was left of my cigarette...

i saw the rain dripping on my toes as i was sitting on the ledge before my kitchen...

and i enjoyed it..i revelled in it..i loved it so much that i decided to take my clothes off and go dancing in the rain..at one in the morning.

haha

who cares if im 21? im still gonna be dancing in the rain til im 60...

and while i was there..soaking wet..feeling the cold rain against my skin, trying to confine my feelings to hapy ones. (since i have been feeling the whole spectrum of human emotion in the past few days)

and i was dancing there...i realized something...


it doesnt matter what life gives you..it is the way you look at it that matters...

and...

sometimes...all the love you need to feel to be haoppy is the love you give...for yourself to receive..


yes guys..the crazy, obnoxious and loud zhaun claude rosales ortega is back!


i might not be perfect..but i sure am happy! or at least, 5this time...trying to be...


:-)

falling..falling..falling..

it still feels like im falling.

it feels like im alone on a road where no one else dares to pass..
there is no one else here..

as always...i am alone

i have always been proud of myself because i had..have...lots of friends..
and these friends..they give me a sense of who i am

they know who i am
they know what i have become

they know where i came from

but actually..they dont know me

nobody knows me

i am really a stranger to everyone else in my life

sometimes, even i dont know myself

and even though i would like to pretend that i am this cool law student who has cool gigs in the coolest places as a band vocalist..has a cool job being an article writer for porn sites and stuff...and is a true blue partyphile..

i am still pretending

that is not me

who am i?

right now..i am not sure...

i have gone thru everal phases in my life

and i have been confused about everything

i dont know where im going..nobody understands me

and though they try to udnerstand me


i know noone does


im not making sense am i?

i sound like some suicidal goth boy

yes..life is weird..and people can make life shittier..i hope i could just escape all of this and go to a place where evryone is strange and i can carve my own niche into their society

i am nobody really..

i am zhaun ortega

i am insecure

i am self obsessed

i am stupid

i am loveless

i am unemotionally emotional

and i am..most of all..lonely

depression sinks in

now i know this a blog for partyphiles and i havent put stuff on this blog for a while

but now im so depressed i need to mope

im depressed because of so many things..
you know..

i have always told myself that i was too cool to be depressed...
but right now..thats whats happening


i am so depressed that i dont know what to do

once again i have managed to put myself in a situation where i cant stand doing nothing...i cant stay in a room alone...because it will only make my depression worse
and what solution do i find for this depression: going out clubbing or drinkin.

when you see me outside..and im only outside the house when i go clubbing or drinking with my friends..
you would see me and i would look all happy
ya know,...the normal zhaun..the one who is outgoing..the one who is happy, confident and content..

but i keep a little secret...people have been wondering why i go out to drink so much now..i always tell them that im making the most of my summer. i need to drink as much as i can before i go back to law school

but the truth is..im depressed..and ive been depressed for days..weeks even..and im depressed because of so many things

i cannot describe what depression feels like..

everyone knows it is the loss of happiness..but when yous ee me outside..drinking and having fun..i seem like a happy person

whats lacking in my life, really, is genuine joy.

i am not joyful..i cannot even stand alone in my room


my thoughts are all sad

the songs that run thru my head are all lonely

and all i can do is sit and wait for my de[pression to fade

alcohol is good...it brings me closer to friends..

alcohol makes me dizzy giving me something else to tend to..instead of my depression

alcohol makes me laugh

alcohol makes me throw up..

and in those moments when im curled up beside the toilet bowl, puking my guts out..thats when i feel i am human.

thats when i feel i am capable of other emotions, other feelings aaside from sadness


and thats why i love drinking

never look at alcoholics as bad people...


because an alcoholic just might be a badly bruised soul looking for companionship and a night when he is too drunk and dizzy that he doesnt cry himself to sleep...

ive graduated...so what?

ive recently graduated. im just waiting for +the graduation rites...
ive no more classes, ive cleared all my accounts./.
ill be fitted soon for my toga


and all i can think of is: so what?

so what that i graduated?
so what that i gained a lotta knowledge in school?
so what if graduating college gives me a better chance to alnd a better job?
so what if i finished my course in 4 years, and with above average performance?
so what if ididnt fail once in my school life?


does this make me better than the next person?


i came to school this after noon, and after everything ive gone through in college..i feel empty..

where are the relationships ive created and maintained?
where are all the happy memories?
whjere are the late night talks that extended til morning?
where are those stu[pid assignemnts we used to copy from the clas genius?
where are the sleepovers (sleepless sleepovers really) we had while making projects?
where are the senseless cvhatters we shared during break time?

more importantly, where are my friends?


now i know why school is such a big hit.
it gives young people a chance to get to know each other. school requires me and my friends to stay in one place at the same time.
school bridges trhe gaps.
school makes us closer.
school creates relationships.

and that is probably why i'll miss school so much. becaue at times when i need a friend..i know exactly where to go.

school creates a divertion, so i would not be able to think about problems. school provides me with friends who can taslk me thru whatever shit im experiencing

and more importantly, it is in school that i learned the greatest lesson in life: taht friends are precious when they're near..hahahaha



bye bitches!